So I guess, after being prompted, not updating a blog which is read by a single person is a bad thing. So, here it is, enjoy it :P

So recently, I have had a lot of shit going on. I mean, I don’t wish to paint myself as a sympathy whore or anything, and attempt to garner rather pointless attention, but neither do I want to admit that there is nothing potentially harmful going on upstairs. Whilst I feel that I am hardly a sufferer of clinical depression, or dying under the pressure of a thousand separate issues, there are still a myriad of things which are weighing me down at the moment. And this is where you come in, hapless reader, for it is to you that I speak of these goings on, whether I like it or not, because it will make me feel better to simply have said it. Whether you read it or not is another matter entirely, which I shall leave in your presumably able hands.

To start with, as I imagine many a barrel of teenage angst was begun, would probably be the combination of grades that were decent (yet disappointing) and a relationship or two that merely left me feeling listless and useless. These took place over a few years, though I guess this was helped by the fact that neither relationship lasted longer than a week. Life goes on I guess. However, the recover from these was hampered by the feeling that in both the exams which followed them - GCSEs and A levels (at which point you fully realise how much of a angst ridden teen I am) I had under-performed - despite attaining decent grades, I had failed in every target I had set myself besides Biology, where I had blindly guessed the questions, and History, where something magical happened and I actually revised or something. The combination of these two factors was unpleasant, and began a spiral of self-loathing, a feeling that I would need to improve, and a greater feeling of apathy. The end result; no change, complacency, and sitting still. My actions and attitude did not improve, and I began to resign myself to failure, slowly, which is, I imagine, where the minor depressive episodes started.

And so, three years after it began, slowly eclipsing my life, the great and glorious bird of the universe released its sphincter once more. Another family issue had cropped up, and there was a chance of some aspects of it being inheritable. Which was great. Last week I received a blood test which was inconclusive, but had numerous outliers, with a possibility of fun later down the line. Simultaneously, I was turned down for the main offer I had received to send me to uni, due to my poor choice of uni (?!?), was told I had chosen the wrong degree, had the third lackluster birthday in a row which was spent by myself in my room, and was given two warnings on my coursework, which would involve a lot of catch-up.

[I feel that I should clarify some points - these all seem very minor, to me even, and I wonder how I can feel so bad about them all at times. If there was ever a whinier post about first world issues, then I would like to see it. Regardless, to me, it matters. At the end of the day, this post is about me, by me, and ultimately for me. So really, if you disapprove, then by all means go on. It’s not your problem]

Regardless, in the face of all this, I did the only thing I could do. I buried my head in the sand, stopped asking people for help, or initiate conversations, and I hid my feelings. Like I had been doing for the last few years, I swallowed my emotions, opened Reddit and Tumblr, and pissed away my time, doing worthless nothings. In retrospect, there are better ways to catch up. Even now, when I should most probably be doing something productive with my time that would presumably entail a large amount of typing, I am wasting my time doing a large amount of typing (but with significantly more commas). 

To bring this rambling stretch of text to an end, I should probably big myself up a bit. I can do this, I am able to do this, and I don’t want to do this. I shall do it nonetheless. That sounds so pitiful when I read it back, but it’ll do.

Yay, I hope you’re fucking happy Jo.

It seems rather odd to me that the one thing that I currentlty spend the majority of my time doing should also be the dullest.

Granted, I am hardly from an impoverished background. I have never known hardship, starvation, or indeed a lack of education, so while I may vaguely appreciate that I am better off than some, it isn’t a hard and fast “Oh I had best get working”. Yet it seems that the initial joy I once found in education has dwindled. Granted, there are lessons where I feel sparks of enlightenment - where there is a feeling of enjoyment in learning, where I genuinely feel that my time was well spent, but for the most part I would not say it was an enjoyable process. It was merely there, a grey experience that though necessary, feels like a waste of time.

Of course, without a formal education my chances of getting a job are next to nothing, and it is all for the greater good and such forth.

In fact, looking at what I have written, it does sound like it is a problem with my attitude towards it than it is an issue with how various teachers and courses and the curriculum of the school is presenting it to me - there seems to be this odd feeling that I have that everything is going to be ok. That its fine, I suppose the world may well be handed to me on a plate.

The scary thing is, though I know that to be a bad thought, it doesn’t worry me one bit.

So there we go. I am complacent and content. Yet my life still feels 2D.

So today the US government decided to collapse.

I needn’t tell you about how damned stupid this is, about how this is a splendid example of hubris in government, or about the importance of sacrificing ones misgivings for the overall good of the country.

Instead, today, I shall talk about pride. This shall link in to the present topic, I promise.

With my limited knowledge on American stuff, it seems that an awful lot of their politics boils down to two things: Money and Pride.

The money is that which they receive in the forms of campaign backing and lobbying, both of which I find so abhorrent I shall dedicate a separate rant towards them at some point in the future.

Pride, however is somewhat worse. You may be already of the opinion that money is bad, and given American politics, something of a no-brainer. But you may be wondering about pride - yet I feel that it is one of the greater, if not greatest trouble at the heart of the American debate.

The Republicans in government have an awful lot of pride. From my viewpoint, I don’t see what exactly they have to be proud of, but it’s safe to say that they feel that if they don’t defend it, they will be lost. However, due to the rather nice maneuvering, the Democrats have managed to get them into a position where they either lose their pride or integrity - effectively damning them come next election.

The Democrats in government have an awful lot of pride. From my viewpoint, I don’t see what exactly they have to be proud of, bar some of the (limited yet somewhat important) reforms they bring to the table. If they do not defend their pride, they will lose the main reforms that stood them a chance of getting elected.

And this is the issue - both parties have reached an impasse, and due to flagrant disregard for every single person involved (including the 700,000 unpaid government workers, as well as innumerable benefit and welfare claimants) they have decided to paralyse the entire country.

I mean, sticking to your opinions fine, fine. It’s what you believe, sure.

But doing that because you’re too proud to admit it makes you an asshole.

[P.S. I know absolutely nothing about American politics save from around ten or so choice articles and a few decent economic-political books, so if an informed person wished to jump in, feel free to correct me]

Edit:

Republicans are dicks, and the healthplan was meant to fully roll out today.  They are the arrogant bastards who are literally doing this to get some traction as those who tried to oppose it should it fail, as well as to get the employers vote and those who feel disenfranchised with the present government and those who feel that the bill went too far. It doesn’t. In fact, it should go further, but thats not the point.

Toying with peoples lives for political, and by extension, personal gain and to boost ones pride is irrevocably stupid, and I hope that they get hung by their testicles.

That is all.

Totally forgot I had a Tumblr account

So I am having trouble revising and this is getting pretty annoying.

Luckily I love being irritating and cannot afford a decent version of word, libre office has failed me and the internet is still here.

Which means you get to enjoy me typing out my exam notes.

We shall begin, as most circles of hell, with Maths.

Some of you may find this useful. Given I have like 2 followers (hey mum!) I don’t really give a crap. See how edgy this shit is?

Its horrific. I normally think of myself as quite a collected person. And yet here I am, visibly shaking as I type.

This is ridiculous. I feel so nervous about encrouaching exams - I have NEVER felt nervous before and suddenly the idea that I may fail has crept into my horizons…

I know I haven’t yet done nearly as much work as I should have.

Is there time left? God knows, and I shall NOT look forward to finding out.

My only salvation is work. Work work work. Opus in Pace.

I think I have gotten a hold of myself now. I need to stay in control, and start working.

Hopefully the rather random title will help dull the fact that I feel like venting in a muttery sort of way, so I shall mutter to my laptop in the hope that I will feel better. After all, that seems to be the main use of tumblr, for which I am thankful.

- This post will most likely out me as a hypocrite -

- It is most likely that I forget about grammar, spelling and capital I’s -

So today i found out, through a friend, that whilst on a trip, someone who I regard as a friend, amongst others, were being rather uncivil about (deliberately vague) someone else on said trip whom I had had feelings for.

Needless to say, the aforementioned friend is a bit of a dick and apparently made some racist comments about me and shit like that. Currently unsubstantiated rumour also points to the idea that he both found out about said girl and made some rather unseemly jokes about it.

So, needless to say, I was rather annoyed. Not at the racism, which was a stab at my skin, nor at the girl, which was a stab at my heart. Mostly the fact that I wasn’t there, which was a stab at my mind.

I shall expand on this, as I assume that you, poor benighted reader have no idea. My thoughts run thus: while I quite naturally have an objection to him saying said things in a rather Dirty Harry fashion (both reference and heavy hint) I can ignore that. He is, while clever, also a loudmouthed idiot (which of course I am not), but the idea that one could insult someone without them being present seems altogether alien.

This is where I turn a hypocrite.

I suppose it comes down to the impact on the person when they find out. If a person is not present, and the conversation turns to them, I would most likely submit a few thoughts. Depending on the conversation, they will either be opinions which i think would go well with the group, or opinions i feel would resonate with fellows. Rarely would I say my true opinions in such a setting, or launch a direct attack - that seems altogether dishonourable.

But I am still of two minds regarding this. Was it a direct attack on me as a person, or just ‘banter’. I am leaning towards the latter, for he started boasting about it when he returned (perhaps bragging is a better word - with no direct harm).

Either way I thank him for opening up a few old wounds and removing a little bit of my soul.

Bastard.

Edit: Ok, i lied it seems it did get to me. Feels a bit better after posting it for the entire internet to see however. I doubt they have time for it aha :P

Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.

Thanks for your time :L